Residing in Your Internal Home

Anyone else feel that now is just surreal or that waking up and everything will go away? The world as we knew it is that world no longer and 2020 seems like the longest year ever; people are scrambling over basic necessities and so much has closed or moved remotely as we all work to try and prevent the spread of corona virus. There is no doubt it is devastating, sad and uncertain with no definitive end date in sight. From my experience, it has really shown people’s true character; the good, the bad and the ugly. We have all lost some basic aspects of living that truly make life worth living; freedom, choice, safety to name just a few.

In times like this where we have no choice, we do have a choice on how we approach with our internal homes; our minds. We can choose to say ‘yes’ to the situation or we can choose to say ‘no’. Your mental approach to this is everything, it is happening regardless of your decision to accept or ignore it. Saying ‘yes’ does not mean you think it’s okay, nor does it mean you have to be Polly positivity all the time, but it does mean you think proactively, with your own mental health at the core.

Self-employed/small businesses are suffering, both with immediate closure and utmost uncertainty ahead. If you can support, do so. I have re-hired my dog trainer, Toast is going to learn some new tricks! As I told Toast, he sponges off me, so may as well entertain me with cute things! Also, what a refreshing break from the news to be focused on teaching a pooch something new.

Social distancing has meant I have seen fewer and fewer friends, however I have never had more personal phone calls. It really has made me value the impact of a phone call with them over just texting. That is something I will continue after this.

My job has moved to being fully remote, which my dog thinks is just heaven. I personally miss the social interaction and office banter, so now setting up scheduled coffee Skypes in the work day with any talk of parasites banned. I want to hear about the little things in people’s day, it is always the little things that bring joy, now is the time to cherish more than ever.

Ordinarily, the gym is a huge stress reliever for me; I not only get a rush of endorphins, but a physical change in scenery and the luxury of being surrounded by like-minded people. Gyms are closed until May. Okay, so now I can’t add pounds to my squat, but I can rally together with other people to gather equipment and still workout everyday. Maybe now is a good time to get lean?

Other things to remember are that not everything has changed. The weather is still the same. Your home is no different (just maybe cleaner and more organized). Your pet still thinks you are the best thing ever. Your children will still say ridiculous things that make you smile. Your partner will still put the dishcloth in a place that bugs you. It is now judgement-free zone on binge watching Netflix or ordering take-out just because.

It is uncertain, but let’s say ‘yes’ to this. Say ‘yes’ for the good of yourself, friends, family, community and, at this point, the world. We got this.

-Benchpressingbaubles, x

Who Am I?

Exploring the meaning of identity was probably one of my favorite courses during my college degree. How people define themselves fascinates me; it shapes our entire behavior both consciously and sub-consciously and on both an individual and group basis. It always interests me the labels people choose to use to describe themselves and also the labels others use. So who am I? What labels do I choose to use?

I proudly define myself as British. Although I was born and raised in England, I moved to Wales for college and Cardiff holds lots of my fondest memories. Often, I say I am from Wales as this is the place that most feels like ‘home’ to me. While I have lived in Florida for 4 years now, and have no plans to leave, I still proudly speak with a British accent and will do throughout my life. Being British is the core of my identity, regardless of whatever political or socio-economical issues arise.

My values dictate a lot of who I am and what I spend my time doing. Family is important to me and I make time to make the most of these relationships. Having lived apart from them for a number of years growing up, the novelty of being able to send a “Happy Monday” text in real time still sometimes hits.

Fitness, or more specifically, lifting weights, is probably something everyone I know would immediately say I like to do. It has been a huge part of my life for around 6 years; it has given me a sense of purpose when times have been tough; it has given me much improved self-confidence and it has also (mainly) enabled me to open milk containers! I find it the ultimate de-stressor and the ultimate post-work treat to look forward to, no matter what the day has thrown at me.

I am also passionate about work, and always have been. I can’t imagine staying in a job or even a career field that I didn’t just love. It takes up too much of my time and provides me with all my financial ability to live for me to think of it as just a pay check. I know that isn’t true for everyone, but, to me, work and being successful at work, has always been a huge priority of mine.

Feeding my body with goodness is another area I whole-heartedly embrace daily. I have devoted a lot of time to nutrition over the last 5 years and know what my body needs, what satiates me and what delights me. I see it as a huge privilege to be able to choose exactly what I feed myself and to be educated on my choices. Having self-imposed extreme dieting to get ready for the bodybuilding stage, I know what starvation feels like. Having the choice to put myself through that is a privilege, most other starving humans are put through it out of circumstance. I recognize this and volunteer with Feeding Tampa Bay to assist those who are hungry, but without the luxury of choosing to be.

So who am I? I am all these things and more. My greatest qualities are also my greatest flaws. My successes are inter-mingled with failures. My daily endeavor to be the best I can be doesn’t always materialize. Some days I roll out of bed feeling extremely passionate and motivated to maximize the day. Other times, I just want to snuggle my dog. I love that identity, like life, is not stagnant. It is ever-changing, evolving and can be whatever you want it to be.

-Benchpressingbaubles, x

Mentorship; How My Mind Was Changed

I never really bought into mentors, having always perceived a mentor as a person with a very rigid perspective who prescribed, potentially even dictated, how you should conduct yourself in any given situation. Mentors aren’t something readily discussed in the UK, or, at least, they weren’t discussed when I was at my most impressionable age, so perhaps my negative perception was a misinformed cultural bias, too far removed from reality. If you asked me today if I have a mentor, I would probably answer that there are a couple of people in my life who really do look out for me; both in terms of my well-being but also my development…so yes, I guess I do have a couple.

Perhaps another reason I potentially viewed a mentor as limiting was that I possibly just hadn’t met the right person when I came to that conclusion. Who would think that I would meet such an influential person in my life at the gym?! Probably not many people…

He was in fact one of the first people I met and constantly came into contact with once I emigrated. Every time I saw him in the gym, he made a determined effort to go beyond the generic neighborly greetings and pursue far more personal levels of conversation. Funnily enough, in turns out he was one of the first people who engaged my Mum in regular conversation when she first emigrated too. Oh and he played tennis with my brother growing up whenever he wanted someone to practice with.

From almost daily chatter, he learnt of my unhappiness as a teacher and sought to sell me on a career change; working in sales at the same company he worked for. He highlighted attributes of mine that he thought would align well with that career and said it would be a great fit. With his general persona and clear happiness with his career and company, it did begin to convince me that this might be a viable alternative to my current teaching misery. To cut a long story short, you could say the rest is history…I have been working at that same company for almost 3 years now.

While I have been working at the same company, I have had ups and downs, like anything, but I have also had some promotions along with big successes. My biggest success to date was achieved working with him, and I have never been prouder of something I helped accomplish in my career. It was made infinitely more sweet by the fact it was achieved with him.

We continue to work out at the same gym and we actually sit within paper aeroplane throwing distance in the office, so actually, I probably have more in-person daily interaction with him than anyone else in my life. He is more than a neighbour or a colleague to me, he is like a second father. Just like a Father, his role in my life is not set within strict parameters as I perceived mentors to be, but it ebbs and flows…I just know he is always there and always wanting what is best for me whatever that may be. I have verbally thanked him many times and also expressed how I feel, but I don’t think I can ever really truly thank him. I have no doubt that without his presence in my life and investment in me, my life today would look wholly different.

-Benchpressingbaubles, x

The Universal Depreciation Of Time – How Do You Approach It?

We don’t ever rigidly define our identity, it evolves according to circumstances and experiences, but most of us get to the point where our fundamental principles are pretty well established by the time we have ‘adulted’ for a few years. We know what we value, we know what we believe in and we know what our priorities are. While we may know all these things, it is easy to lose sight of them amidst the constant chaos of life. We can easily become wrapped up in things that don’t matter and become overwhelmed by events that haven’t even happened yet. It is in our nature to over-think and over-analyze about past and future, yet most of us seldom stop and practice these same thought patterns towards our present state and what is happening right now.

Thanksgiving is a time when people do just that and it marks the start of the whole holiday season. Celebration of it is focused around both family and cherishing what you have. Gifts aren’t exchanged, it is simply a couple of days a year that everyone makes a huge effort to just enjoy each other’s company (and eat a lot of food!) It often lends itself to reflection and encourages everyone to pause, take a breath and realize what they have and what they value. My only ask is that I wish people did this more frequently.

We all buy into time, we just can’t buy more of it. When we ‘pay’ attention to something, we are investing our most valuable depreciating asset. As a population, we readily consider how we invest our finances and even consider how to ‘spend’ our physical time, but do we regularly evaluate how effectively we manage our thinking time?

I would argue that this thought isn’t even considered by the vast majority of the population. Some people might turn their nose up at this concept of mapping out time spent on different thoughts, but, our thoughts dictate our actions. They also dictate our mood and play a huge role in determining our state of mental (and therefore physical) health.

If we know what we value and we know what matters to us, do we really need to devote so much precious time on sweating the small stuff? Do we even need to entertain thoughts about mundane daily activities that we could so easily just ‘do’? Do we need to spend so much of our time thinking about the past or future or could we become more aware of the here and now and what is happening at this exact moment? How empowering would it feel to be more deliberate and deliberate less? How much more productive would we be? And more importantly, how much happier would you be? Thanksgiving comes but once a year, but the reflective sentiment doesn’t need to be so fleeting.

-Benchpressingbaubles, x

The Power Of Imagination

Fall is upon us (agreed, it doesn’t feel like fall at all), which means the holiday season is quickly approaching. The lead up to Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. When I was younger, it was the anticipation, the festive decor and the unrivalled magical feeling. Now, the seasonal traditions; the sparkling lights and the nostalgia evoke similar, albeit slightly more tamed, feelings of excitement.

As a teacher, this was my favorite time within my profession too; it was the time to both plan celebrations and also capitalize on the holiday sentiment. Working in a very deprived area, I often found that children struggled to be creative. Many of them had neither been exposed to the plethora of experiences available to me at that age, nor had they ever been actively encouraged to express themselves creatively.

Using the holiday season as a stimulus gave me a common imaginative trigger to exploit. All the children had experienced Christmas with all their senses; they knew what roast turkey smelt like, they had watched Christmas movies and they knew what it felt like to open presents. Tapping into prior experiences and encouragement of expression through play, writing and number (in fact any avenue I could), led to some of the best, most spontaneous lessons I have ever created.

In my current career, role-playing Christmas (unfortunately) is not within my plans for this fall. However, the memories of my former career did make me stop and consider the importance of imagination and what gets ME motivated to produce the best work I can. I am extremely intrisically motivated, but that isn’t to say that external stimuli do not affect my desire to excel. I know I am not alone in that the type of work that gets me excited is thinking outside the box or trying something new. Creating novel ideas can be pioneering or it can be disastrous. Putting imagination to paper is risky; what if no-one shares your vision, or, worse still, what if no-one gets it at all?

If you research successful people and companies, I think you will find that none of those successes were achieved with replicating the mould; they re-defined and, sometimes, established new meanings within a densely populated world. Pioneering athletes accomplish things others believe impossible; pioneering people implement dreams others ridiculed and pioneering companies constantly re-define how we shop.

While we don’t all share the same feelings of entrepeneurship, what we are all capable of is using our imagination. The holiday season is the perfect environment for letting ourselves be a little more daring than usual, and, while we may not get the warm fuzzies quite like we did as a child, we do all have the capability to use the power of our imaginations to do something slightly new, slightly different and maybe slightly magical.

-Benchpressingbaubles, x

Have We Lost Loyalty?

Loyalty. Noun: a strong feeling of alliance or support. When I hear the word loyalty, I instantly think of dogs and their utter and complete devotion. We use the word loyal most commonly in contexts to describe faithfulness within relationships and commitments to brands or products. But what does it really mean to be loyal?

Media often portray the idea that society is becoming increasingly disloyal. With more opportunities, availability and resources than ever before, we have access to more information across an ever-increasing number of platforms. We are less reliant on a single source for anything – whether it be where we get our news; where we get our groceries or even where we find and meet people. Our lifestyles have evolved to such an extent that not only do we have increased diversity between people, but also increased diversity within people. There seems to be fewer and fewer examples of regimented labels that people uphold, and more and more examples of fluid principles/values that people live by; so much of these varying according to circumstance.

For example, vegan/plant based diets are on the increase, with many people showcasing the fact that they try to source their food this way. Ordinarily, you might assume that this means these people ARE vegan, yet this is often far from the truth. What it actually seems to more commonly mean is that whether that person eats a vegan meal or not is circumstantial, dictated by other underlying values. Their norm is to eat plant based, but this isn’t their everything, and they are willing to stray from their norm for many varying reasons. Perhaps they are visiting family and don’t want to inconvenience family meals. Perhaps they have discovered a sustainably sourced, Organic meat they like. Perhaps they are travelling and want to try a local delicacy. Perhaps their long-time favourite food is all too tempting. Really, the list is endless. Diversity within us often dictates that people no longer label themselves so distinctly (e.g. “I am vegan”), but rather they portray their values with explanations (e.g. “I try and eat mostly plant based meals because…) to decide when they uphold their norms.

With fewer ‘labels’, the ability to demonstrate loyalty is also a lot harder. How can manufacturers keep shoppers when their target audience isn’t a distinct set of people? How can we maintain positive relationships with people when we aren’t quite sure of what their fundamental principles are? The evolution of society requires both manufacturers and people to really invest time and resources to really get to know people in order to evoke loyalty. With lots of peoples’ underlying values being so intricately complex, finding what makes people tick is not a quick task.

It seems that long-term, sustained loyalty can only be achieved with time, ironically something we are often declaring we have less of. But, gone are the days that one good meal using a particular brand or ingredient creates lifelong loyalty to that brand. Gone are the days that one good date leads to long-term relationships. Loyalty now has to really be earned and only those willing to invest substantial time will be able to attain and retain loyalty of anything. Except of course if you are talking canine loyalty. Their loyalty hasn’t evolved and their devotion remains unwaivered…thank goodness.

-Benchpressingbaubles, x

Does “Good Try” Really Mean “Good Try” Or Does It Mean “No Success”?

“Good try”.

Ever heard those words and thought “Aww, how cute. They tried hard but didn’t accomplish the objective?”

I remember as a child, stamps in my books from the teacher saying ‘Good try’. These were the ultimate recognition that you really didn’t understand the work. As a teacher myself, often I would start a comment with ‘Good try’ when I was really struggling for something positive to say about the output, but knew that the child had dedicated at least some time in an attempt to complete the work.

Publicly recognizing achievements in assemblies or at awards ceremonies, ‘trying hard’ was often used as a descriptor to acknowledge those children who weren’t academically high achievers, but did work hard each day. Rarely did you hear stories regarding effort from within the classroom if the child was also deemed highly intelligent; academic attainment typically took precedent.

From a young age, we are conditioned to believe that academic success is the ultimate achievement and that exuding effort is secondary. Those children who can effortlessly achieve anything (and realize it) are seldom taught to value effort, as, well, ‘they don’t need to’. I have delivered many parent/teacher conferences and whenever I told the parents that their child lacked effort, (rarely was any parent surprised at this information) but did well in school, most parents laughed it off, because, again…why does their child need to exert effort if they are over-achieving? Isn’t that a waste of energy?

Millennials receive a lot of negative press about being entitled and expecting opportunities to arrive in their laps and, arguably, lots of this is due to societal conditioning where effort is regarded as inferior to attainment. Ironically, beyond the structured world of academia, rarely does society value effort in the same way. Very few people can successfully contribute to society based solely on their success, and those who do, are often stigmatized as being arrogant. Think world class soccer players, for example. Those players who rely solely on their elite talents are rarely in the media for how much ‘team spirit’ they contributed to, or for the fact they are celebrating their 10th wedding anniversary.

In both the working and recreational world, as adults, effort takes precedence more frequently. People would rather devote time to someone who tries rather than someone who clearly grasps concepts easily with an air of arrogance. In fact, it is one of the things I love most about fitness. You can buy yourself boobs, pretty nails or a sun tan. But you cannot buy your physique anything like as easily. Sure, you can get liposuction or take drugs, but, for most people, the results are so unpredictable, and, for such an expense, most people simply do not bother.

A toned physique requires continuous effort and maintenance, almost every day. Again, sure, you can have days here and there where you don’t exercise or eat ice-cream for dinner, but unless these episodes form the minority of your habits, you cannot (literally and figuratively) have your cake and eat it. Ironically, people often look towards those with good figures as being self-obsessed and vain (both, arguably, sharing similarities with arrogance), yet, actually, having such a physique is testament to relentless effort. People seek quick fixes, but seldom do these pay off.

A “good try” is often the driving force behind us getting results. A “good try” at work shows loyalty, dedication and passion. A “good try” in a relationship shows commitment, trust and care. A “good try” in fitness shows determination, resilience and pride. A “good try” at anything encompasses all these descriptors and more. We want people to be triers, yet to break this ever-strengthening stereotype that younger people don’t try, I suggest we first frame how we project ‘trying’ to the littlest of people.

-Benchpressingbaubles, x

Don’t fear failure. Don’t pursue failure. Don’t accept failure. Expect failure.

I am currently reading Emotional Intelligence 2.0 by Travis Bradbury and Jean Greaves. It was given to me at the last conference I attended but, being the slow reader that I am, I am only now delving into it. The first few pages struck me as the authors emphasized that emotional intelligence far outweighs IQ in determining success.

Over the past year, I have become fascinated with meta cognition; why and how certain people succeed, why people are happier than others and what makes people exude confidence. This book is well referenced in many corporate climates in the states – some of the strategies mentioned are common sense, some are common knowledge and some really made me think.

How we deal with stress, or more, how we react to stress, reveals a lot about our emotional intelligence. Those of us who are able to respond calmly and productively are often the envy of the rest of us. People who are able to sedate emotional ‘gut’ reactions are able to act more rationally as their responses are void (or minimally tinged) of emotion. Such people are often referred to as ‘cold’ or stand-offish as we are conditioned to believe that every action of ours is influenced by some level of emotional charge.

Stress rears its head in many forms, and not all stress is bad. Stress can provide motivation, a sense of urgency almost, to accomplish a task or meet a deadline. Equally, putting our bodies under stress in the gym is what stimulates muscle and strength growth.

Despite some positive benefits of stress, your immediate reaction to hearing that word probably conjures up an array of negative connotations. The word ‘stress’ is often used to describe chaos, disarray and excessive workload, communicating a need of some relief.

So what causes stress? Pressure. Expectation. Longing. It can be self-imposed or can be the result of external influences. These three triggers share the same negative consequence – failure. Failure to succeed. Failure to deliver. Failure to please. By fearing failure, you are inducing additional stress to whatever task you are undertaking.

Why are you fearing failure? 

If the likelihood of you failing is infinitely greater than the likelihood of you succeeding, is it a task that needs to be completed? Doing something that scares you is gratifying and liberating, but doing something where you are constantly fearing failure is the opposite.

Equally as energy zapping is pursuing failure. It is a slippery slope, but convincing yourself that you are going to fail does nothing for you, your self-esteem nor for the task that you are trying to achieve. Approaching events with a pessimistic attitude adds additional stress to an already intense situation.

So how about approaching situations expecting failure? How about establishing a plan to proactively move forward with failure? Doing this will provide a safety net, a cushion, with an objective plan for when you fail. Now, this doesn’t mean that you will fail, but it does mean you are prepared for if you do. Having this reassurance can not only help you feel more comfortable and confident with what you are trying to achieve, but it can also make you realise that, actually, this task or pressure, wasn’t so stressful after all.

We are a couple of weeks into the new year and approaching the most depressing day of the year. Chances are New Year’s Resolutions are wavering, and, despite best intentions, the ‘new year, new you’ hasn’t really materialised. You may be feeling stressed. You haven’t been to the gym like you said you would. You haven’t avoided the Christmas chocolates, (despite moving them into a high cupboard!) You haven’t even opened the book you were determined to be midway through by now. If, however, you made these New Year’s Resolutions with the intention to fail, you probably would have contingency plans set in place, ready for said failure. It isn’t too late! (It’s never too late!)

Now you have come to the realisation that you are expecting failure, you can make a plan to proactively bounce back. Don’t accept that you have failed. By doing that you are making no progress, either in terms of achieving your goal or in terms of altering your mind set. Sedate those gut reactions, improve your emotional intelligence, expect to fail…and watch yourself succeed.

-Benchpressingbaubles, x

Life through the Eyes of an Upholder: My Takeaways from ‘The Four Tendencies’ by Gretchen Rubin

I have been interested in human behaviour, body language and the implicit nature of communication for as long as I can remember. My parents often tell me that as a toddler, I was happy just to watch and observe a room of adults. Still, now, I often take a back seat in large group settings and observe the dynamics. As I have matured and gained more life experience, I try to ‘do’ things with my observations – I seek answers; reasons why people behave as they do. I also use these experiences to model my reactions to scenarios. I can only attribute the more proactive approach as a way of trying to assimilate to the American culture. Emigrating is more than simply moving your physical presence and belongings, it is an adjustment to a whole new way of going about life. The Floridian population conduct conversations and social situations in a drastically different way to the UK, so learning how to both respond and behave in a group is like starting from a scribble (not quite scratch, there are some definite foundations there!)

I think I am quite good at reading people and modifying the way I communicate in order to appease a wide variety of audiences. I studied Communication at university and found the subject matter fascinating. It made me a lot more self-reflective and also a lot more understanding of humankind. And when the series ‘Lie to Me’ aired, well, that was a dream come true!

There is so much material out there on emotional intelligence and personalities, and rightly so, as both shape everything we do. In my enthusiasm for human behaviours, I sought out podcasts I could listen to in the morning when getting ready for work and on my commutes. It was then that I discovered ‘Happier’ by Gretchen Rubin. I have listened to every episode since I discovered the podcast about a year ago. Gretchen and her sister have a lovely relationship and they discuss a multitude of topics in an easy to understand, light-hearted fashion. On the podcast, they constantly refer to the ‘four tendencies’ – a framework developed by Gretchen Rubin which characterizes people into four groups, based on how they respond to both inner and outer expectations. The way in which Gretchen relates situations on the podcast to characteristics of each tendency had me thirsty for more, so when her book ‘The Four Tendencies’ was released, I had to read it. I loved it – it is the kind of book that you can ‘dip in and out’ of – selecting chapters at a time, and it is also the kind of book that you read cover to cover, place on your bookshelf (the cover happens to be very pretty too) and then constantly re-read snippets when life situations happen!

Like Gretchen herself, I am without doubt an upholder – someone who meets both inner and outer expectations. I knew this before I read the book, but upon finishing it, some of my quirks and habits I can now wholly attribute to being an upholder! Here are five “Aha, I am an upholder moments!”:

1. When people ask me ‘how do you stay motivated?’ Anyone who knows me in person and/or follows my blog, knows I am highly self-motivated. I don’t need external encouragement to complete tasks and I competed in two bodybuilding competitions this year. In fact, I even wrote a blogpost entitled ‘Seek Discipline, Not Motivation’. For me, being disciplined is easy, it isn’t something that I have to really consider or plan for. Reading the Four Tendencies book made me realize that although I may struggle to advise people on how I stay motivated (because I just do), it also made me stop and think and understand that being motivated is a very difficult task for someone else. It made me understand that I need to be more sympathetic to those individuals.
2. I struggle to watch TV, but can watch a movie at the cinema. People despair that I am never able to discuss what has been aired on TV – I have the attention span of a gnat. I multi-task, I daydream, I surf the Internet on my phone – all the while using the TV as background noise. However, when it comes to the cinema, I can sit and watch an entire film without feeling distracted. Reading Gretchen’s book made me realize that this is the upholder in me – because the rules in the cinema are not to use your phone or talk loudly, I follow them. Having no distractions enables me to enjoy and concentrate throughout the entire film!
3. I schedule all my time. Work time. Gym time. Sleep time. Casual time. All is scheduled. I have to-do lists at work, different notepads signify different priorities. I have a set workout plan and know exactly what exercises as well as what order, repetitions and weight I will lift before I enter the gym. I have a set time that I have to have my eyes closed by. I plan my weekends. And if anyone saw my notes section on my phone, they would see a multitude of lists, tracking all aspects of my life! As Gretchen pointed out in her book, it does mean that I can be somewhat inflexible. I do struggle with changes in routine, particularly ‘loose plans’. A tentative day out with a venue, but no times or rough idea of how the day will pan out is something which leaves me feeling extremely anxious. Understanding that this is part of ‘me’ was reassuring, but it is also something I am working on. I don’t want to be known as being rigid and an inconvenience to other people’s spontaneity!
4. I struggle when I make a mistake or something isn’t perfect. I know I am reliable. In fact, being reliable and organized are two traits I both pride myself on and two traits that anyone would describe me would say I am. So when I make a mistake, or, even worse, when I make a mistake and it is pointed out to me, I find it devastating. A small remark about a mistake can reside with me for days, I take it as a personal criticism; an attack on my personality. Gretchen’s book made me reflect that very few people are intentionally malicious and that the best way of dealing proactively with this is to inform people of how that comment made me feel. Although some people will undoubtedly say that it is a severe over-reaction, it will initiate a conversation that could help alleviate this consequence in the future.
5. I want to do everything myself. I don’t trust that lots of people will accomplish things to the same standard as me and I really struggle with relinquishing control and delegating. This extends beyond delegating work tasks (which I do have a hard time with!) For example, I refuse to let most people spot me in the gym as I think that they will end up doing the rep for me. Recently I have started asking certain people in the gym to spot me as I know testing one rep maxes without a spot is dangerous! Moreover, I know that it would make me very cautious and unable to execute the prescribed lift (I can’t fail a lift can I, I’m an upholder!)

As with any good book about metacognition or human behaviour, reading ‘The Four Tendencies’ made me very self-reflective and it enabled me to apply principles to some of my extreme quirks. I love that I am an upholder, but I also acknowledge that I couldn’t be much more of an upholder if I tried. With that brings the drawbacks of being an upholder, so here is my written commitment to work on those. Maybe one day I will have a day where zero is planned. And maybe one day a rebel will follow all the rules…

-Benchpressingbaubles, x

Who Are You Now? Dealing with Post Show and Progression from Suicide to Strength

Post show blues is a real ‘thing’. I would class competing as life changing. As with anything that requires extensive preparation and ‘hype’ – a wedding, a holiday, a marathon etc. – SO much time, effort and money goes into it and then all of a sudden, it’s over. If you are not careful, you can be left feeling extremely ‘lost’. For a lot of competitors, competing is their entire identity. It is their sole structure for their day; it is everything. Now, don’t get me wrong, I gave prep my all, but it never was my ‘everything’.

Two years ago, my photoshoot preparation WAS my entire identity. It came at a point in my life that I will be forever grateful for. I was at a very low point in my life; I had zero confidence, was struggling to adjust to a trans-atlantic move, miserable at work and felt I had nothing to live for. The gym and the rigid diet gave me two elements I could both control and progress in. After the photoshoot was over, I felt like this control and reward was gone. My body was gaining fat and I was repeatedly fainting; this is when I hated myself the most. I had no post-photoshoot goals in any aspect of my life, I was purely ‘existing’ day to day. I was never diagnosed, but I was depressed. I can pinpoint my lowest ever point and it was then that I decided there were two options, one – to end my life, and two; to get better. I chose the latter.

It has not been linear progress, and it hasn’t been easy, but I am probably the most self-confident and happiest I have been in a good few years. I have learnt to never make my entire identity comprise of ANY one thing. I try and live my life by building up my back pocket – that is to say, adding experiences and skills to my repetoire. Not only does it make me more educated, more self-aware and more well-rounded; it also gives me assets that permanently shape my identity. No-one can ever take these away from me.

Over the past year is probably where I have made the most mental, and physical, progress. I have gone from fearing food, to starving myself to binge eating to having a healthy relationship with food. I don’t suffer with cravings and I don’t binge eat ever. I have weighed my food for about 18 months. I used to try and conceal this, or pretend I didn’t for fear of what others may think of me. Over the past few months, I have stopped caring what people think. I may get laughed at for bringing my lunch to work, I may get teased for weighing out lettuce, but I have realized this is mainly from a mixture of ignorance and surprise. Outside of the fitness bubble, people don’t weigh food unless they bake a cake. It is not something they are accustomed to and, as with anything like that (think how prejudice and stereotypes form), ignorance leads to teasing.

While I would say my relationship with myself and with food is far from perfect, (I question whether anyone’s relationship wth food IS perfect), I do feel, for me, I have come an awfully long way to achieving a balanced approach to both. Gone are the days where I pop multiple vitamin supplements prior to eating any meal with carbs; gone are the days where I feared chocolate and bagels would go straight to my hips and gone are the days where I would get dressed for the day and instead of meeting friends, cry and hide. I have learnt, through education, reassurance and experience about food and health. This, in turn, has enabled me mentally to progress to a state where I am confident in myself and my abilities.

So, who am I now?

I am not going to pretend that I feel optimal right now – I am tired, de-motivated and generally feeling a bit sub-optimal. I still have remnants of my tan, (so I am also streakier than bacon), but in a state of flux with scrubbing it off as I know that being pale won’t exactly fill me with self-love either (anyone else?!) Despite this, I do not feel really low or annoyed, as I did after my first show. I learnt SO much from this experience; it added another card to my back pocket. It enabled me to come away from my second show wholly more satisfied and has also enabled me to look more objectively to the future. My sister commented to me that she associates me with being strong, not someone who is lean and sparkly. This comment filled me with pride – I aim to personify strong. As with most people who are 27, I have been through my fair share of shit. Without this life experience, I wouldn’t be ‘me’ as I am today. I definitely wouldn’t be as strong. I definitely wouldn’t be as driven. And I definitely wouldn’t be as ambitious. I know the next few weeks will be a challenge as I adjust to ‘non-prep’ life, but I feel confident that both being aware of this and being okay with this, will ease the journey.

So what are my health and fitness goals now?

My immediate goals focus around my health. I want to get my hormones functioning correctly again. I want to improve my digestive system. I want to ensure I am drinking enough water. I want to reduce the number of chemicals I ingest. I want to focus on limiting my soy intake. I want to make sure I am supplementing with apple cider vinegar twice daily.

My longer term goals are to increase my strength – I want to squat 200lbs, deadlift 300lbs and bench 135lbs by the end of 2017. I want to compete in a powerlifting competition. I want to add more muscle to my frame. I want my legs to be leaner. I want my core to be stronger. I want to spend more time on my recovery – foam rolling, stretching and yoga. I want to learn how to sprint.

I have a lot of goals – these are just my health and fitness ones; two portions of my life and my identity. So my best advice for dealing with any big event ‘ending’; focus on all aspects of YOU. What is your identity? What do you value? What do you want to achieve? What do you want to do?

Don’t let one aspect of you rule your entire life, because, when it is over, who are you now?

-Benchpressingbaubles, x