Presence, Not Balance

Fitness professionals, by nature of their work, tend to revolve their lifestyles around fitness. They look after their health, they engage in regular exercise and they probably make sure they eat many fruits and vegetables. Then there are those people who shudder at the word ‘exercise’. They have sedentary jobs, then come home from work to sit on the couch whilst eating a warmed up frozen meal with the only thing reminiscent of a vegetable being the marinara sauce.

What I have described here are two extremes; two opposite ends of the spectrum and most of us would fall somewhere inbetween.

If you follow any ‘fitspo’ online, you will more than likely have encountered at least one post where they discuss ‘balance’. It is often described as something to strive for and tends to be showcased as an achievement; that someone has found ‘balance’. They tend to reference prior experiences or a prior lifestyle as being extremist and isolating and now that they have relaxed, they are ‘balanced’ or ‘live a balanced lifestyle’.

But are they really ‘balanced’ or ‘living a balanced lifestyle’?

Social media gets a bad rep for people just showcasing their highs and for not being a well-rounded, encompassing picture of someone’s life (I personally like this, i don’t want to see evidence of everyone’s unwashed dishes). What I actually think is more of an issue with social media is that it is (all too often) abused as mechanism for projecting a false identity. Take someone preaching ‘balance’. What do their prior postings show? Have they actually changed their lifestyle? Or have they (which i sadly find to be the case more often) not gone to the gym one day and used that isolated behaviour to define themselves as balanced?

Say they have been gradually changing their lifestyle from a relentless 7 day a week gym goer to 3 times a week with weekly pizzas. Does this mean they are ‘balanced’ now? In all honesty, you have no idea from words alone. What about their mindset as they were eating pizza? What were they thinking about? If all they were considering was the extra hour of cardio they were going to do tomorrow, then this isn’t balanced at all. Balanced nutritionally maybe, but not balanced mentally. And if you aren’t balanced in all aspects of your life, can you really claim a balanced lifestyle?

How do we define balance anyway? To me, I live a balanced life in many respects – I tend to have sufficient time to accomplish everything I want to. For me, this involves a couple of hours engaging in physical activity each day. It involves walking my dog a good few miles each day. It involves waking up at 5am so I have time to spend 20 mins doing my make-up and cooking a breakfast. To me, this is balanced. To someone else, this is over-kill.

I don’t claim I am ‘properly balanced’, as, like a swinging pendulum, balance is temporary, achieved for a split second. I am not opposed to the word, or to people preaching balance, but I am asking that you consider that someone else’s balance is not yours. How you define balance is different to how your best friend does. And, like with everything online, take the good from what you read to positively influence you, but don’t let it consume you. Someone else’s choices do not define you, whether these be ‘balanced’ or otherwise.

-Benchpressingbaubles, x

Who Am I?

Exploring the meaning of identity was probably one of my favorite courses during my college degree. How people define themselves fascinates me; it shapes our entire behavior both consciously and sub-consciously and on both an individual and group basis. It always interests me the labels people choose to use to describe themselves and also the labels others use. So who am I? What labels do I choose to use?

I proudly define myself as British. Although I was born and raised in England, I moved to Wales for college and Cardiff holds lots of my fondest memories. Often, I say I am from Wales as this is the place that most feels like ‘home’ to me. While I have lived in Florida for 4 years now, and have no plans to leave, I still proudly speak with a British accent and will do throughout my life. Being British is the core of my identity, regardless of whatever political or socio-economical issues arise.

My values dictate a lot of who I am and what I spend my time doing. Family is important to me and I make time to make the most of these relationships. Having lived apart from them for a number of years growing up, the novelty of being able to send a “Happy Monday” text in real time still sometimes hits.

Fitness, or more specifically, lifting weights, is probably something everyone I know would immediately say I like to do. It has been a huge part of my life for around 6 years; it has given me a sense of purpose when times have been tough; it has given me much improved self-confidence and it has also (mainly) enabled me to open milk containers! I find it the ultimate de-stressor and the ultimate post-work treat to look forward to, no matter what the day has thrown at me.

I am also passionate about work, and always have been. I can’t imagine staying in a job or even a career field that I didn’t just love. It takes up too much of my time and provides me with all my financial ability to live for me to think of it as just a pay check. I know that isn’t true for everyone, but, to me, work and being successful at work, has always been a huge priority of mine.

Feeding my body with goodness is another area I whole-heartedly embrace daily. I have devoted a lot of time to nutrition over the last 5 years and know what my body needs, what satiates me and what delights me. I see it as a huge privilege to be able to choose exactly what I feed myself and to be educated on my choices. Having self-imposed extreme dieting to get ready for the bodybuilding stage, I know what starvation feels like. Having the choice to put myself through that is a privilege, most other starving humans are put through it out of circumstance. I recognize this and volunteer with Feeding Tampa Bay to assist those who are hungry, but without the luxury of choosing to be.

So who am I? I am all these things and more. My greatest qualities are also my greatest flaws. My successes are inter-mingled with failures. My daily endeavor to be the best I can be doesn’t always materialize. Some days I roll out of bed feeling extremely passionate and motivated to maximize the day. Other times, I just want to snuggle my dog. I love that identity, like life, is not stagnant. It is ever-changing, evolving and can be whatever you want it to be.

-Benchpressingbaubles, x

Mothering vs. Fathering; The Linguistic Evolution of Gender

Mothering is one of those words that either conjures up the warm fuzzies or makes you roll your eyes, depending on both your pre-conceived perceptions and prior experiences. For some people it is a wholly positive word, connoting a sense of attachment, care and development; for others it generates thoughts of smothering and being overbearing, restrictive even. A word such as this – the meaning loaded by environmental and experiential exposures – I find both exceptionally fascinating and very concerning. It is one of those words that many would consider insignificant, but its use in mindless chatter can alter the flow of the conversation immediately. For some people, to be described as having a ‘mothering nature’ is a great compliment and affirmation of everything they stand for; and for others that same description of personality can be seen as offensive.

As society evolves and people become more wrapped up in this endless pursuit of political correctness, I am often concerned that highly gendered words like this run the risk of becoming so contentious in how they are received that they are deemed as taboo and then simply not used at all. I always think that reducing words that have been in existence for Centuries to this status is not only a huge shame but also a huge disservice to their existence.

At the bare minimum, by dictating that such words need to be exercised with high degrees of caution removes the sense of innocence and ease that they were first designed to be used for. On a deeper level, its effect is so much more detrimental. Years ago, mothering was a word that described entire women’s existence; the negative stereotypes that are now also associated with it, to me, do a disservice to the evolution of women in society today. By using the word as an insult changes our perceptions of history. In order to view women’s historical behavior in the same way it was considered at the time either requires incredibly objective thinking or a rationale about ‘well, it’s different now’. This saddens me, but is an unfortunate reality of how evolution of language can manifest with negative consequences.

‘Fathering’; the masculine counterpart to ‘mothering’, although a dictionary word, does not have the same widespread use. Historically, men are not viewed as having the same role in shaping behaviors of children. Men have often been seen as the idols; their societal role to model high expectations and impeccable manners – having a more aspirational influence rather than helping to navigate the nuances of everyday life. A casual mention of ‘fathering’ in conversation now would likely be seen as archaic; irrelevant to everyday life today. Although rendering this noun as redundant for modern day usage, it is a wholly different phenomenon to ladening the word with negativity. Although putting words to bed is a sad reality of language evolution, isn’t it a more favorable outcome to decide that a word is no longer relevant to describe male behaviors in society today; instead an applicable descriptor of behaviors of years gone by? Isn’t it better that society realize such a word is the perfect descriptor of male attitudes years ago without the need of a verbal justification that things have changed? Isn’t it more representative to realize that its current linguistic existence is due to its prevalence in history?

The gender gap in some aspects of life continues to close, albeit at a rate that is far too low, but for language, I see it widening. As increasingly more women climb up the career ladder and earn more money, behavior descriptors historically perceived as wholly positive increasingly run the risk of being demonized. Demonized for the present, and, worse still, demonized for the past.

-Benchpressingbaubles, x

Self-Love: You’re Doing It Wrong

LOVE. Noun: ‘An intense feeling of deep affection’, or ‘A great interest and pleasure in something’. Verb: ‘Feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone)’.

Breaking down such an emotive word and looking at it from a purely linguistic angle really made me think about love. Current social media trends emphasize self-love; that we should accept ourselves as we are and that we are enough just as we are. Many influencers and even some brands are highlighting imperfections; showcasing wrinkles, cellulite and the odd stomach roll to publicize the normality of all these things that many people disassociate with celebrities and fitness fanatics. Often these posts proclaim self-love at the heart of their message, yet is this really self-love? I would argue that taking an unflattering picture and uploading it for the world to see echoes neither intense feelings of self-affection nor demonstrates an action that evokes great pleasure. So are these really examples of self-love, or are these examples of a trend to humanize the stigma of social media perfection?

Self-love to me goes well beyond skin deep. Practicing self-love does not manifest in a selfie of me and my cellulite. I would argue self-love requires investment, both of time and resources, just like any other relationship. It is not a finite concept, there is no ‘end’ trophy nor sudden award that self-love has been reached; it is so much more intricately complex, fragile and turbulent than that. Self-love, I would argue, is harder to maintain that any other relationship. All of us have many, many different relationships we maintain on a daily basis; from spouses to family to colleagues to neighbors to people you are on ‘hello’ terms with, but have no idea of their name. Considering these relationships, how often are they tested? How often do you exhibit negative feelings towards these people? And how often do you show these negative feelings? Chances are, the more distant relationships are seldom, if ever tested and the relationships you hold more closely, probably a little more. And for every negative thought you have, I am sure most of these you just let go – you filter and decide which are worth a possible argument. With yourself, you don’t have that luxury. There is no filter. Anything negative, you hear it, you don’t get the chance to decide to let it go nor the opportunity to mitigate the effects with vocabulary choice or positive body language.

The same is true for the positive aspects of a relationship; the highlights. Date night with a loved one, a surprise party for a colleague’s birthday or an extra large tip for the staff because you had a good day. How often do you devote that same level of positivity and that same level of commitment to yourself? If we expend significant energy into our close relationships to keep the love alive, do we perhaps need to consider doing the same for ourselves? It might sound indulgent; narcissistic or even outright ridiculous, but think of when you are your best self. When are you at your best; the most loving, the happiest and the healthiest? Is it when you have told yourself you can’t do something throughout the day, lived with your chipped manicure even though it has been bothering you and sacrificed sleep to do an extra 2 hours work? I doubt it. Taking care of yourself and investing in yourself are fundamental; no successful person achieved their success without some self-love.

At the heart of self-love is not an Instagram post showing a roll of fat, but a true understanding of how you think. I firmly believe that emotional intelligence is significantly more important than academic intelligence. My favorite children to teach were the ones who were in tune with the world around them; the ones who picked up on the nuances of human behavior and the ones who came into school each day determined. Ironically, lots of these children lacked significant confidence, which is partly why I loved teaching them so much. Not only were they receptive to the academic work I gave them, but they also blossomed in self-belief and self-love in the environment I established. I have no doubt that, of all the children I taught, these are the ones who will go onto live the happiest and most fulfilling lives.

As cliché as it is, our thoughts really do dictate our actions. The necessity for self-love is paramount and it really needs to be defined as self-love. You need to practice intense feelings of deep affection towards yourself. Yes, this will manifest differently to when you practice that with others; but it still rings true. Instead of looking to social media and celebrities for assurance on your appearance, seek opportunities to understand yourself; you and how you operate. A fleeting image from an unflattering angle is not a demonstration of self-love; it is the latest form of defending the criticized world of the media. The best images of self-love I’ve seen are random snapshots of a night out with friends; images of people at Thanksgiving laughing whilst playing games and an opportune selfie because you liked how your hair looked. Self-love is not a state that needs verbally acknowledging; it manifests in your behaviour and really runs deep within.

Benchpressingbaubles, x